Caring for an aging parent can be challenging. Being able to know what to do and how to provide support is difficult when you live close by – when you live far away, there are additional challenges. 

Long-distance caregiving takes many forms – from helping manage money for a loved one, arranging for in-home care, providing respite care for a primary caregiver or helping a parent move to a new home or facility. Many long-distance caregivers act as information coordinators, helping aging parents understand the confusing maze of home health aides, insurance benefits, and durable medical equipment.


Tips for Long-Distance Caregivers
Approximately 7 million adults are long-distance caregivers. The following are basic suggestions if you find yourself in this situation:

• Seek help from people in the community: the next door neighbor, an old friend, the doctor. Call them. Tell them what is going on. Make sure they know how to reach you.
  
• Learn about your parent's illness and treatment. Information can help you understand what is going on and what to anticipate. 
  
• Take steps to identify options to help the primary caregiver. They may not need help now, but having plans and arrangements in place can make things easier if there is a crisis.
  
• Obtain written material about the local senior resources. Get several copies – one for you and one for the primary caregiver, if there is one.
  
• Pull together a list of prescriptions and over-the-counter medications. Get doses and schedules. This information is essential in a medical emergency. Update it regularly.
  
• When you visit, check the house for possible hazards, such as loose rugs, poor lighting, clutter that might be unsafe. Would grab bars be helpful in the bathroom? 
  
• You must have permission to talk to your parent's doctor. Ask your parent to complete a release form that allows the doctor to discuss their health care with you.

How Can My Family Decide Who Does What?
Talk with your family members. Know your strengths and set your limits. If you decide to work as a family team, each of you will be able to take on tasks best suited to each person's skills or interests. For example, who is available to help Mom get to the grocery store each week? Who can help Dad pay the bills? Are you comfortable talking with medical staff? After making these decisions, remember that responsibilities may need to be revised over time.


What Can I Do To Take Care of Myself?
Feeling frustrated and angry is a common caregiving experience.  Caregiving, especially from a distance, is likely to bring out a full range of emotions, both positive and negative. If you feel angry, it could be a sign that you are overwhelmed or that you are trying to do too much. If you can, give yourself a break – take a walk, talk with your friends, get some sleep, join a support group – try to do something for yourself.

Support groups are available locally or online. Meeting other caregivers can relieve your sense of isolation and will give you a chance to exchange stories and ideas. By focusing on what you can do, you may be able to free yourself from some of the worry and focus on being supportive and loving.


Helping Parents Plan Ahead
Making advance care plans is a key step for your parent to take to be sure that his or her health care preferences are known. Health care providers can only respect those wishes that have been made known and are documented in the medical record. Advance care planning can help your family avoid some of the conflicts that can occur when family members disagree over treatment decisions. 

It may be easier to make certain decisions after discussing them with family, clergy members, or health care providers. Decisions about forgoing treatment, for instance, or ending life support, involve complex emotional issues and are hard for many people to make alone. Try to make peace with yourself and your family, whatever the decision. As one caregiver put it, "So much of the task is wading through your own feelings and the rest is just figuring out what to do." 


Additional Information
Portions of this article were taken from "So Far Away: Twenty Questions for Long-Distance Caregivers," which is produced and distributed by the National Institute on Aging.

To obtain a free copy of this 44 page booklet, call the National Institute on Aging's Information Center at (800) 222-2225, TTY: (800) 222-4225, or view online at www.nia.nih.gov.